What I Wish

Money. Power. Connection.

Being able.

"Two men cheers" by @wilstewart3 | unsplash.com

I felt like a shit today. Tonight.

The actual plan was sleeping early and then have breakfast the next day. Now is the next day and I haven't slept. Was busy playing with new game on my laptop. Trying to drown myself into activities instead of what is buzzing on my head.

There is guilt and there is fear. They are based on a wish, that it did not happen like what happen this evening. The actual wish is quite similar to the one I prayed every night: to receive good fortune since I don't have a lot of it. If I were to have better fortune, I might have greater power and relations. 

All points towards what I should be able to: provide.

Yet here I am writing this because I am feeling like a piece of shit I am. Hours of feeling down and bad without anyone to talk about this. Not to my partner, because I wasn't being a good partner from which I finally feel like shit. Friends? I doubt I have anyone close enough to talk about it. Have been maintaining proper distance to avoid making people uncomfortable of my unwanted existence. Instagram? Twitter? Nah, I will only look like asking for attention instead of real help.

My partner put big trust and hope on me. That I would be able to give solution. However, I could not. My inability was certainly disappointing for everyone, including my lover. That is why I was not that lucky in my previous relationships. They choose other people instead of me, and they chose them before telling me to leave. So who the hell I am???

I am angry at myself for wasting so many years being a hopeless lazy-ass who did not study harder, do more activism, join organization or communities, develop professional skill, and make connection. I had my chance long time ago for this exact moment and I failed. And now, there is someone with greater potential, who is being targeted by many more potential people, needing my help. I could not provide anything. Instead, I kept giving stupid answers.

Then, I was night-dreaming that I am rich and extroverted enough, so that I can provide what my partner needed. That my lover did not need to feel such disappointment from putting abundant hope and trust onto a mistake.

Hahaha, but that is just a wish. 

Wish might come in the future, while I am still in the now. I am still just a powerless man without money and strong friend. I am beneath everyone who had been and want to be with my partner. It is just a pure luck and probably stupidity that my lover wants to love a person who is not good enough.

I don't know if I can sleep. Maybe I shall take more time to reflect on my uselessness.

Yet for sure, I am still a disappointment when I wake up later.

That's all.