Numb

Numb is not always about not feeling anything.

Sometimes it's about feeling too much.

It had been three days since I began hurting myself.

It began with simply flailing my hands onto the surface of my head.

Today, I found the spot to make it more painful and I knew how to punch it better too.

I think if my aunt passed away because of some long-term effect after (according to the rumor) she was hit on the head... It might be good for me too.

I hit my head because I want to die.

I simply see nothing is meaningful any longer.

I simply see I am not meaningful any longer.

Life is quite hard for me, problems here and there. 

Yet, I am not sure if I have the right to complain about my life. I have a life that is much much much much much much much better than others. Parents don't divorce, economy stays stable, and I stay in my job. Many others have way way worse problems (which I think they are proud of). 

And certainly they had said, 

"You cannot say your life is bad unless you had mine because mine is worse."

From there, I tried to feel what I have been feeling. These problems need to be written on a note so that when I return to therapist again I can explain it in proper manner. But every time I do it, I feel nothing.

Suddenly, my problem is not there.

Therefore I think I should not go to therapist, I lose the right to sulk or be sad.

Several minutes after that numb, I remember again the things I have been thinking and feeling.

I then keep reminding myself that my life is good enough compared to others. Unfortunately, the problems do not go away...

I am also reluctant to tell anybody (except my cat) about anything I have been feeling.

They never want me to talk about me. They want me to talk... about them.

I learned it from when I was this moron who tells my problems to people I think I am close with. Apparently, no matter how close you are, you cannot tell them your problems. Especially if your problem is not as bad as theirs.

Remember, sadness is a competition too.

And I am losing this competition.

As I am losing the will to live.

Probably when I am dead and someone stumbled upon this text.

I would like to say hi to you.

I am sorry you have to read all this. I really am.

I am just tired of not being able to express how I feel; not being able to tell my problems; not being able to have the right to feel it too.

I don't think I have value any longer in this realm.

Even for my significant other, I am sure that person will be able to move on quickly after my demise for I no longer have any place in their life. I never have.

All of you hate me.

I also hate myself.

All of you are disappointed with me.

I have feel so disappointed with my own life.

I wish the self-concussion will be quite fruitful.

If I die, I won't disturb or hurt you people.

I love you, all. I really do.

But I cannot blame you for not loving me back, you never have to.

Yet let me kill myself, I know you don't care so don't pretend to.

For all I want is peace in death.

That's all.