Anxious

It had been weeks since the last time I could sleep easily. Mind was buzzing with thoughts and what ifs.

My head is reminding me of who I am.

I felt it again, how nice and peaceful it was in Bandung. Admittedly, it is a very nice city. The sky, the air, the cold, and many other things anybody can easily bump into - which isn't the same in Jabodetabek.

Shame it ended, badly.

But this time the head showed me how it was really my fault as well. That my flaws had made me lose the reason to visit Bandung.

Then, it also showed me how the high school time was so good. 

Yet I ruined it by being not a good person. When someone came out to me, I became the first to give the most horrible answer.

I then did not leave my head alone in recalling the things I had done. We checked them all one by one. We took our time slowly to review each of them too.

The result? 

God, they were horrible.

It turned out that I am actually the cause of everything bad in my life. Not that I can whine about tho. My life is still better than everybody else, I got no sob story to join in your clubs.

Also, I am a very horrible person. To make it worse, I still dare to daydream the unreal and impossible scenarios in which things were undone, mistakes were forgiven.

This became a nocturnal habit of mine: reviewing how horrible I am and how much I want it all to change or to never happen.

It seems that second chance is only for people with a sob story. Shame I don't have any.. 

And, I am anxious that hurting and disappointing others will be a permanent feature of my personality.

That everyone I cherish will walk away from me because I did it again.

Will I?