What I Have Been Feeling

What to do with not functioning device?
Have you tried turning it off and then on again?

"Koala sleeping in the tree" by Cris Saur | unsplash.com

Two years ago, for an affordable one, it was the fastest one I can always rely on. It takes longer to open things lately. My laptop is slowing down after days of working hard to process all those audio files I had been working on. It needs some upgrade.

The same goes with my phone. We have been together for almost four years. It used to be able to open apps flawlessly, play video smoothly, and run games like a piece of cake. It was the best affordable phone. However now, it became sluggish. I spend more patience when switching apps. Dying in PUBG because of the lag has been a daily thing. It does not work as it used to be.

My head joins the bandwagon.

It has been aching constantly. I cannot think clearly and control my emotions. Even, I keep making typos here and there  (not on this blog). Clicking things I should not while I am working, so that my laptop stops responding. Resting and sleeping have become a difficult task.

Voices.

Thoughts.

Realizations.

Simulations.

Calculations.

They cast self-doubt, anger, hatred nausea, disgust, distrust, disbelief, hopelessness, fatigue, and pain.

Yes, pain.

The pain hurts so much that I cannot bear it to witness stupidity, hatred, and noises everywhere. I had tried to stop going to social media, because I lost the ability to ignore everything. As ignorance goes, comes the focus. I cannot ignore them and they hurt my head even worse.

Closing my eyes does not work. It shows simulations and calculations based on prior information and my current condition that everything will go badly for me. I cannot turn my eyes from them because they are not illogical. It is chaos every time I open my eyes and every time I close them.

I began hurting my lover. I began telling how I feel and all the negativity I am experiencing. I told results of my simulations. In the end, all words and actions I did cause pain on to my lover. As I calculated, I don't deserve my lover.

I gotta do something about this pain before I spread the pain.

However, unlike my laptop and phone, I cannot find any power button to turn it off, in hope it will get better after some restart. So, I have been hurting my head with wall, table, and my own hands. My head always hurts after those self-harm attempts and I cannot continue if it had become too painful. It is harder for me to walk. The pain stays.

It has been days since I begin punching my head. 

But hopefully one day, a pain inflicted onto my head will be able to give me the peace in this hell of existence.

That's all.